Lots of journals lately, huh?

Okay. Next week is opening week for the school play, Bye Bye Birdie. Pretty much all of my friends are in it. Why am I not, do you ask?
Well, I didn't make it. Tried out, wasn't accepted. Oh well, right? That's what I've been trying to tell myself since it happened in November/December. I mean, I am a freshman, and I'm not in chorus. No biggie. I'll try out next year. Of course, I wasn't completely unaffected, so I had to talk to my friends and enforce that they can't talk about it all the time, since I am very disappointed and will feel rather left out. I mean, if you couldn't go to a party, do you want to hear how awesome it was without you?

The bitterness began when I started hearing about how Mrs. Morris, the music director for choral (and orchestral) productons, is a bit prejudiced and isn't likely to accept someone into the musical if they're not in chorus. Now, I was in chorus last year, and I just didn't enjoy it. I like singing, but... she made it less-than-fun, if you catch my drift. So, I dropped out of chorus, since I realized it wasn't for me. Now, I dont have a bad voice. I miss a few notes here and there, but if you let me practice enough, I get it. I just didn't enjoy chorus. I thought maybe I was just under the bar a bit, that the other girls were better, but I was assured that I sing better than most of them. Despite its intent, it did NOT assure me. I just grew more bitter towards Mrs. Morris, even though it was a bit immature for me.

This has just continued until now, and it's been eating away at me no matter how much I try to destroy it. For the sake of my friends, I've been acting like its no big deal, but it honestly bothers the hell out of me. If I hear my friends talking about it, I walk away and do my own thing so I don't end up feeling crappy, which has been quite oftem lately. I don't want to be a thin-skinned, bitchy baby and tell them to not talk about it around me, even though I warned them at the beginning it was going to bug me, so I just don't say anything... At least there's only one week left.

That is, until next year comes and they all make it again and I bet you I won't because I'm not about to torture myself with chorus again and miss out on taking something I really WILL enjoy, like art class or band.

I suppose the real reason it bugs me isn't because everyone else made it. It's because I didn't. I've always wantd to be on stage and become someone else, if only for a little while. Ever since I saw Annie as a second grader. Ever since I saw Aladdin in Pittsburgh when I was in first grade. Ever since I saw the frickingLion King when I was five! I dremt about it so much when I was little, imaging myself on the movies on TV or as the voice overs in my Disney movies. It died after a while, my lack of self-confidence knocking down the hope that I could make it big... But I knew about the school musicals and figured I could at least participate in those.

So much for that, huh?

Sorry, just needed to vent about this. Mum brought it up a little bit ago and it began taking over my mind. Decided to finally get my real feelings out there. Ignore it if you want.